to not hurt when they feel hurt

 A man asked, "how do you end a relationship without being hurt by the other person being hurt? If you decide that it's time to move on and the other person is not ready to move on, so he or she is very distraught, how can you keep your balance in a situation like that?"


 When you attempt to guide your behavior by paying attention to how someone else feels about your behavior, you are powerless because you cannot control his or her perspective, and therefore you can not achieve any consistent improvement in your own vibration or point of attraction or how you feel.


 If you have decided to take the action of leaving a relationshp before you have done the vibrational work of focusing upon what you want and why you want it, any action that you take can only bring you more of the same discomfort that you have been experienceing. And even once the relationship has ended and you are alone or beginning another rerlationship with another person, those old lingering negative vibrations will not allow a pleasant unfolding. Simply put, it is so much better to find your vibrational balance before you take the action of separation, or you may experience a rather long time of discomfort.


 Let us examine the components of this situation and bringing some clarity to your options: You have come to the conclusion as a result of being unhappy in this relationship for a while that it would be better to end it. in other words, you do believe that your chance of hapiness is greater outside of the relationship than inside it. But when you announce that to your partner, your partner becomes even more unhappy. And now because your parter is more unhappy - you are more unhappy.


 One option is to stay - to say, "never mind, don't be unhappy. I've changed my mind. I'll stay." But all that has happend is that you were both feeling unhapp; you made a decision to leave, which made your partner even more unhappy; and now you have pulled back from that decision so your partner is now not quite as unhappy as before - but still neither of you are happy. So, nothing has changed except that things got a bit more intense for a while, but basically you are still unsatisfied and unhappy in this relationship.


 Another option is to just leave. You could focuse upon all of the things that have caused you to feel uncomfortable in the relationship and use those things as your justification for leaving. And while that negative focuse upon negative things will give you the conviction to take the action of leaving, you will not really fell that much better. While you may feel some releife from the intensity of your unhappiness once you are on the outside of the relationship, you will continue to hold you in an unpleasant state. So even though you have walked away from the things that were really bothering you, you will still feel bothered.


 Really, there is nothing that you can do to prevent others from feeling bad, because they do not feel bad because of your behavior. There is no greater entrapment in relationships or in life than to attempt to keep others happy by observing their emotions and then trying to compenstate with YOUR actions.


The only way you can be happy is to decide to be happy. When you take upon yourself the responsibility of another's happiness ,you are attempting the impossible and you are setting yourself up for a great deal of personal discord.


 So now let us consider the options of Pivoting and positive Aspects: Stay where you are for now, making no big change in your action or behavior. In other words, if you are living together, continue to do so. If you are spending time together, continue to do so. This option is a change in your thought process, not your action process. These processes are designed to help you to focuse diffrently and to begin telling the story of your relationship, or of your life, in a better-feeling, more self-empowering way.


 For example: I've been thinking about leaving this relationship because I find that I'm not happy within it. But as I think about leaving, I realize that when I go, I'll take myself with me - and if I leave beacuse I'm unhappy, I'll be taking that unhappy person with me. The reason that I want to leave is because I want to feel good. I wonder if it's possible to feel good without leaving. I wonder if there is anything about our relationshp that i could focuse upon that does feel good. I remember meeting this person and how that felt. I remember feeling drawn by this person and eager to move forward to see what more we might discover together. I liked the feeling of discovery. I liked our relationshp as it began. I think that the more time we spent together, the more we both realized that we were not really a perfect match. I don't believe that there is any failure on either of our parts in that. Not being a perfect match doesn't mean that either of us is wrong. It only means that there are potentially better partners out there for each or us. There are so many things about this person that I like and that anyone would easily appreciate: so smart, and interested in so many things; laughts easily and loves to have fun... I'm glad that we've come together, and I believe our time together will prove to be of value to both of us.


 So, our answer to your important question is this: You cannot control the pain that any other feels by modifying your behavior. You can however, control your own pain by directing your thoughts until your pain subsides and is replaced by improved feelings. As you give your attention to what you are wanting - you will always begin to feel good. As you give your attention to the lack of what you are wanting - you will always feel bad. And if you give your attention to the lack of what someone else is wanting - you will feel bad, also.


 You are so action oriented as physical Beings that you really think that you have to fix everything right now. Your partner did not get to this place all of a sudden. Your partner did not even get there only during your relationshp. This has been a long path. Momentum has been gathering along the way. And so, do not expect that a conversation that you two are having in this moment is going to make all of the difference. See yourself as one who is planting a seed - a very strong, sure, powerful seed. You have planted it perfectly, and you have nurtured it for a time with your words so tha tlong after you are gone, that seed will continue to blossom into that which it is to be.


 There are many relationship that are not appropriate for you to continue, but we would never walk out of a relationship feeling angr, guilty or defensive. Do the vibrational work, get to feeling good, and then leave. And then what comes next will not be a replay of what you just left.