how do I rediscover my passion.

New year has come, it's 2010. Without exception, the most frequent question I am told these days is about new plan, hope something like the things related with START or DREAM.

Since I took a break last year (no! oh my.. already 2years passed), I've been quite OK - no much stress, concern though, it's toooooo stable and made me remain THERE like the real sleeping bear in Winter. I do not want to say that's not good. However, looking back the previous time, it's so different and funny in a way. Got up every 5am and drove 40-50 min to the office, no much break time during office hours and stayed at office until 1am almost everyday. Despite that kind of terrible (?) life pattern, I'd been looking for the chance to do something others. I read more books than ever, had small trips(my car and camera were just enough), tried to see a lot of people and share our those days and so on. Family and Friends worried and told me I'd better have a rest, need to take good care of me. To be honest with you, I seriously never felt any tiredness and enjoyed there, I even NOW can say same.

AT ONE MOMENT I REACHED,

I suddenly felt everything was enough. (could be little by little) OK, enough and now I keep sitting here. To the suggestions to me such as 'why don't you do this or do that?', I usually say - annoyed (so sometimes I have myself knowing this WORD). If the question is about plan or what I like, seriously nothing comes up except my lovely niece. ;; I am calling this NO Passion, more precisely I lost passion. damn..

Actually many people don't know what they want (as a result of what I asked to more than several people) and they are upset because they are not getting it. how ridiculous and stupid. If we don't know exactly what we WANT, how can we get it. Lots of adults often think they do something everybody expects they to like it. For example, a guy dreamed of sports cars but always bought something practical as he has a family to bring everywhere or a smart student wanted to be a travel guide but became a doctor since the society and parents want him to be something at the higher position. Thought I am different, I don't need to care about the way other people think of me. (especially because my parents never give me any pressure - they always say if you think that's good and that makes you happy, just do it) but.. I might not be different. I have kind of conservative idea although I rarely express that by any means. ALL MIXED.

① I would still want to stay here while my inside feels shame there - Almost 30year old lady does nothing - no marriage, no job. Despite that, my stupid pride could say "you don't need to follow social prejudice, just do what you want." No matter what it is, seems like just against there. @$%^R&*^&%E^@%#TA&R!$%ED(&*

② I don't want to change and be changed. Supposing I am absolutely out of job, how can I start again? A fear seems always around me. (.. this is really shame - found many foreigners go abroad and study+work together without any acquaintances there even though it's not easy, why not 'me'?) $##s&%*tu!#p*#$&*id

Must be more than above 2 reasons why I am saying I lost my passion. well.
Still no much idea hitting me what to do but I will stop murmuring on it at least. Surely it will be in front of me someday sooner or later.

Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not the
fish they're after. by Henry David Thoreau.